Bill O’Reilly Hates Americans!
December 5th, 2008
You all know who Bill O’Reilly is, right? He’s the right-wing talking head currently on FOX News, the polarizing, everything is either-black-or-white, grey-is-part-of-the-satanic-homosexual-agenda guy who says an impressive number of things without any of that pesky thinking being involved. He doesn’t really have anything interesting to say. O’Reilly is the main inspiration for the Colbert character on the Colbert Report, and while Mr. Colbert does a very excellent job satirizing him, really, it’s a bit like satirizing the plot lines in a porn movie: the parody is the same as the thing itself.
Recently, in the Washington State Capitol, the Freedom From Religion group put up an atheistic sign beside the Holiday tree and Nativity Scene in the building. My first question was why there’d be any kind of religious ornamenting in a STATE building, what with that pesky church and state thing, and my second question was about when they were going to let every other religious or non-religious group put all of their own signs up. Is the building big enough to hold them all?
The atheist sign was a bit confrontational — I still feel like these groups haven’t found the best wording yet — but did it say that people shouldn’t celebrate Christmas? Did it say that Christians shouldn’t be Christian? Did it say that they or any other religious group should be treated in any way less than everybody else, or that anybody should be discriminated or hurt in any conceivable way? No, of course not.
Now, I had those thoughts, and a number more, but it seems that the main thought that occurred to Mr. O’Reilly is the one that seems most frequently to — “They’re attacking Jesus! We have to protect him!”
First off, Mr. O’Reilly, you believe he’s all-powerful, and as much the son of god as god himself, yes? Also that there’s a plan that the universe is running according to? And that both God and Jesus are aware of everything that’s happening in the universe, and that actually nothing happens without his direct involvement? Because if you believe those things, the implication is that God made the Freedom From Religion Organization, made them atheists, and made them want to put the sign in the capitol building. Which would mean that God himself approves of that sign being there, and you’re disagreeing with God. But then, God put you where you are. Are the atheists a test of your faith, or are you a test of atheists’ non-faith?
But let’s put that tricky bit of theology aside for a minute, okay? I don’t want to tire you out right at the beginning.
Mr. O’Reilly, you say this is outrageous, an affront to Traditional Americans and their values. Which traditional americans are you talking about? Indians? Was it outrageous because some people don’t like having a holiday they don’t celebrate shoved in their faces every five seconds for six weeks? You don’t even have to be non-Christian to prefer Happy Holidays to be said, Mr. O’Reilly; you can also be a considerate person. You could be a church-going Christian who just happens to be decent and sympathetic and who realizes that not everyone shares either the same level of religiosity as you, or the desire to have their every excursion out of the house turned into a celebration of someone else’s holiday. Pretend it wasn’t Christianity that was being celebrated everywhere, Mr. O’Reilly. Pretend that the muslim population in your country decided that Ramadan was the big holiday to celebrate. How would YOU feel if everyone wished you a Happy Ramadan, and asked you to join in praising Allah?
Also, Mr. O’Reilly? People still say happy holidays, despite your claim that you single-handedly led the charge against the evil companies that wanted to try to avoid offending a good chunk of their customers. So your victory can’t be that large, unless, like so many of the victories you experience on a daily basis, it’s completely in your head.
You live in a pluralistic society, jackass. That means there are people in the country who are from different cultural and religious backgrounds, and that the government of your country says that everyone’s welcome at the table. And one of those groups? People who DON’T believe in religion.
The thing that should be getting you outraged, Mr. O’Reilly, is that any Christmas display is in the Capitol Building at all? THAT seems like the greater injustice, as it SEEMS like a bit of endorsing of a religion. A response to that is to give other faiths (or lack of faiths) space in which to highlight a differing view, but the problem with that is that there’s more than just three points of view. Mr. O’Reilly, do you have any idea how many different faiths are currently being practiced in your country? This is a serious question, sir, because it’s a lot. Heck, even just among the Christians, you’re going to find people who don’t think it should be in a government building, or a publicly celebrated holiday at all.
There are two things you can do, here, I think. One is to become a thoughtful, considered person — which I’m sure you’d argue that you are, in the same way a women who hasn’t ever had an orgasm might think she has, because without having experienced one, she doesn’t have a proper frame of reference for what it actually feels like — and the other is to continue on as a polarizing jackass, spouting whatever you think is most likely to get you attention for being a jackass. I assume you like the ratings, but maybe part of the reason is that you LIKE having sex with blind prostitutes, who think your name is John Smith.
Oh, you see what I did there? That’s an ad hominem. That’s here you insult someone personally and pretend it makes a point about the issue you’re discussing. It’s very disingenuous of me, and it doesn’t serve to prove my point at all.
But it’s funny, isn’t it? It’s also funny to think of the prostitute yelling out “Oh, John” midway through, and Mr. O’Reilly freaking out because he’s forgotten the name he gave, and suddenly becoming enraged with jealousy over his pseudonym. With his prostitute.
You know what’s also funny? Mr. O’Reilly’s apparent grasp of the law. You can imagine him printing out a picture of the constitution, getting a big ol’ sharpie and crossing off all the things he doesn’t like, replacing it with laws that just make sense. Like he gets to the bit where it says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,” and scribbles “except for Christianity, because it’s super awesome!” underneath it, and writes “I love jesus” inside a big heart on the margins of the page, with little crosses everywhere. Actually, come to think of it, I think he does that, and then considers his insane scribblings to be legally binding, and basis the diatribes on his show on the outrage he feels that everybody’s violating THAT constitution. Sort of like the Jefferson Bible, but psychotic.
Mr. O’Reilly, you need to take a seat, read through some history books, and get a proper understanding of what the country was like at the time of its founding, of what those “traditional americans” you mentioned were and are really like. You need also to respect the people on the other side of the issues, and take the time to seriously learn about and consider their point of view. You don’t have to agree with it, but you should actually know, I don’t know, the nearest thing about it. It is, after all, a respect that most of those people grant to you, sir. A lot of the people who disagree with you know what they’re disagreeing with. That’s WHY they disagree with you. You should try it. And you don’t have to be worried: that knowledge won’t corrupt you or destroy your soul, Mr. O’Reilly. The very worst thing that will happen is that your viewpoint won’t be changed, and the best thing? You’ll actually learn something.